Here are some Funny/Fun Jokes. It took a while to make then so I hope you enjoy.

menu channel {
  Jokes
  .Sex
  ..1:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #1. But everybody looks funny naked!
  ..2:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #2. You woke me up for that?
  ..3:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #3. Did I mention the video camera?
  ..4:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #4. Do you smell something burning?
  ..5:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 
  ..6:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #6. Try breathing through your nose.
  ..7:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
  ..8:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
  ..9:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 
  ..10:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 
  ..11:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
  ..12:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 
  ..13:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 
  ..14:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #14. Do you accept Visa?
  ..15:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
  ..16:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 
  ..17:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 
  ..18:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
  ..19:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 
  ..20:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 
  ..21:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 
  ..22:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #22. Do you get any premium movie channels? 
  ..23:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 
  ..24:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
  ..25:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #25. Got any penicillin?
  ..26:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #26. But I just brushed my teeth...
  ..27:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
  ..28:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 
  ..29:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #29. I want a baby!
  ..30:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 
  ..31:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 
  ..32:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
  ..33:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 
  ..34:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #34. I think you have it on backwards.
  ..35:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #35. When is this supposed to feel good? 
  ..36:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 
  ..37:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #37. You're good enough to do this for a living! 
  ..38:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #38. Is that blood on the headboard?
  ..39:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #39. Did I remember to take my pill?
  ..40:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 
  ..41:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #41. I wish we got the Playboy channel... 
  ..42:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
  ..Continued 
  ...43:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 
  ...44:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 
  ...45:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 
  ...46:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.. 
  ...47:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #47. No, really... I do this part better myself! 
  ...48:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 
  ...49:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #49. This would be more fun with a few more people.. 
  ...50:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #50. You're almost as good as my ex!
  ...51:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
  ...52:/msg $chan Things Not to say During Sex #52. What does that button do?
  ...53:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #53. You look younger than you feel.
  ...54:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #54. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 
  ...55:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 
  ...56:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 
  ...57:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
  ...58:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 
  ...59:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 
  ...60:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #60. What tampon?
  ...61:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #61. Have you ever considered liposuction? 
  ...62:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 
  ...63:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #63. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 
  ...64:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #64. I have a confession...
  ...65:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 
  ...66:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #66. Are those real or am I just behind the times? 
  ...67:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 
  ...68:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
  ...69:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #69. You'll still vote for me, won't you? 
  ...70:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 
  ...71:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 
  ...72:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #72. Did you come yet, dear?
  ...73:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
  ...74:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 
  ...75:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #75. Does this count as a date?
  ...76:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 
  ...77:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #77. Hic! I need another beer for this please. 
  ...78:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #78. I think biting is romantic- don't you? 
  ...79:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
  ...80:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #80. When would you like to meet my parents? 
  ...81:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...  Woman: Yourself?
  ...82:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
  ...83:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 
  ...84:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 
  ...85:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 
  ...86:/msg $chan Things Not to Say During Sex #86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off.
  .Mama
  ..1:/msg $chan Yo mama's so big her belly button's got an echo.
  ..2:/msg $chan Yo mama's so big she cant wear an X jacket cause choppers keep landing on her back
  ..3:/msg $chan Yo mama's so big she uses I-95 for a Slip 'n Slide
  ..4:/msg $chan Yo mama's so big that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"
  ..5:/msg $chan Yo mama's so big when she goes to the movie theatre she sits next to everybody.
  ..6:/msg $chan Yo mama's so big when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway
  ..7:/msg $chan Yo mama's so big, it takes her 2 hours just to haul ass.
  ..8:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall!
  ..9:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat butt out of the way.
  ..10:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
  ..11:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
  ..12:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat her blood type is ragu
  ..13:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat her college graduation picture was an airial. 
  ..14:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat her yearbook picture is an arial
  ..15:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
  ..16:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 pound test!
  ..17:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance!
  ..18:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat n black she jumped in the ocean and they ungee jumped and went straight to hell
  ..19:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she can't even tie her own shoes.
  ..20:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she can't reach her back pocket.
  ..21:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs
  ..22:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she dries her pants in the driveway
  ..23:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she eats biscuits like tic tacs
  ..24:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she eats wheat thicks.
  ..25:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she fell in love and broke it.
  ..26:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us!
  ..27:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"
  ..28:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
  ..29:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
  ..30:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she has more nooks and crannies than Thomas' English Muffin.
  ..31:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
  ..32:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she influences the tides.
  ..33:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
  ..34:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big
  ..35:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Chicago, NY ..
  ..36:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
  ..37:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she sat on a quarter and squished a booger out of George Washington's nose
  ..38:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she sat on the corner and the police came & said "break it up!"
  ..39:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she shows up on radar.
  ..40:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said H D
  ..41:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out
  ..42:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she uses a hula hoop to hold up her socks
  ..Continued
  ...43:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock.
  ...44:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
  ...45:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she wears a VCR for a beeper.
  ...46:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she went to a Chinese Restaurant and ordered a 40oz. of gravy
  ...47:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat she's on both sides of the family
  ...48:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
  ...49:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat that when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
  ...50:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
  ...51:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
  ...52:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat they had to baptize her at Sea World
  ...53:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
  ...54:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat uses blanket as a washcloth
  ...55:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
  ...56:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when i took her to the beach, little keds surron "Free Willy, Free WIlly"
  ...57:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when she backs up she beeps
  ...58:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
  ...59:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
  ...60:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
  ...61:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
  ...62:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when she sits around the house she REALLY sits AROUND the house
  ...63:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
  ...64:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
  ...65:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when she wears a red dress people yell "Hey Kool Aid .."
  ...66:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
  ...67:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her ass back in the water.
  ...68:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat when the bitch goes to an all You can eat buffet, they  have to install speed bumps.
  ...69:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat you smell like bacon at 90 degrees
  ...70:/msg $chan Yo mama's so fat, when she travels, she's gotta make two trips.
  ...71:/msg $chan Yo mama was so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
  ...72:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb she has  1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
  ...73:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
  ...74:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb she sat on TV & watched the couch
  ...75:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb she thought St Ides was a Catholic church.
  ...76:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  ...77:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb she took a spoon to the Super Bowl
  ...78:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
  ...79:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
  ...80:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
  ...81:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged.
  ...82:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
  ...83:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  ...84:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too."
  ...85:/msg $chan Yo mama's so dumb, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
  ...86:/msg $chan Yo mama's so stupid at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagitarius.
  .Insults
  ..1:/msg $chan A person with your IQ should have a low voice too!
  ..2:/msg $chan Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
  ..3:/msg $chan Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
  ..4:/msg $chan As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
  ..5:/msg $chan I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
  ..6:/msg $chan At least there'e one thing good abt your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
  ..7:/msg $chan Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!
  ..8:/msg $chan Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head! 
  ..9:/msg $chan I like you. People say I have no taste, but I like you
  ..10:/msg $chan Did your mother have any children that lived? 
  ..11:/msg $chan Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home? 
  ..12:/msg $chan I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very little of that! 
  ..13:/msg $chan Take off that mask! Don't you think it's a little early for Halloween? 
  ..14:/msg $chan Don't be ashamed of wat you are. I'm not ashamed of what you are! 
  ..15:/msg $chan If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents! 
  ..16:/msg $chan Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent! 
  ..17:/msg $chan Don't get insulted, but is your job is devoted to spreading ignorance? 
  ..18:/msg $chan Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent! 
  ..19:/msg $chan Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match. 
  ..20:/msg $chan Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
  ..21:/msg $chan Don't think, it may sprain your brain! 
  ..22:/msg $chan people like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them. 
  ..23:/msg $chan you have mechanical mind. Too bad you forgot to wind it up this morning. 
  ..24:/msg $chan you have a mind like a steel trap -- always closed! 
  ..25:/msg $chan You are a person of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world is in. 
  ..26:/msg $chan your always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory. 
  ..27:/msg $chan your dark and handsome. When it's dark, iam handsome. 
  ..28:/msg $chan your known as a miracle comic. if your funny, it's a miracle! 
  ..29:/msg $chan your listed in Who's Who as What's That? 
  ..30:/msg $chan your living proof of that a person can live without a brain! 
  ..31:/msg $chan your so short, when it rains your always the last one to know. 
  ..32:/msg $chan you are the kind of a person that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot. 
  ..33:/msg $chan Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change! 
  ..34:/msg $chan How come you're here? I thought the zoo was closed at night! 
  ..35:/msg $chan How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open? 
  ..36:/msg $chan Hi! I'm a human being! What are you? 
  ..37:/msg $chan I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years? 
  ..38:/msg $chan I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly. 
  ..39:/msg $chan I don't know who you are, but whatever it is, i'm sure everyone will agree with me.
  ..40:/msg $chan I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! 
  ..41:/msg $chan I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit? 
  ..41:/msg $chan I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me! 
  ..42:/msg $chan I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate!(if you are at all!) 
  ..43:/msg $chan I bet you have a loud bark! 
  .Elevator
  ..1:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #1.  Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  ..2:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #2.  Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
  ..3:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #3.  Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
  ..4:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #4.  Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
  ..5:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #5.  Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  ..6:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #6.  On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  ..7:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #7.  Shave.
  ..8:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #8.  Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
  ..9:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #9.  Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.  Wear yours upside-down.
  ..10:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  ..11:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  ..12:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
  ..13:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  ..14:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #14. One word: Flatulence!
  ..15:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
  ..16:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
  ..17:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
  ..18:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
  ..19:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
  ..20:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #20. Meow occassionally.
  ..21:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  ..22:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
  ..23:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  ..24:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
  ..25:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
  ..26:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
  ..27:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  ..28:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
  ..29:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #29. Leave a box between the doors.
  ..30:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
  ..31:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
  ..32:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #32. Sing Barney songs
  ..33:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
  ..34:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #34. Play the harmonica.
  ..35:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #35. Ask each passenger if they are a virgin.
  ..36:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  ..37:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #37. Lean against the button panel.
  ..38:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
  ..39:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  ..40:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
  ..41:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #41. Bring a chair along.
  ..42:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
  ..Continued
  ...43:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #43. Blow spit bubbles.
  ...44:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
  ...45:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
  ...46:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  ...47:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  ...48:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
  ...49:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
  ...50:/msg $chan 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator #50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
  .Blondes
  ..1:/msg $chan BlondeWhy can't a blonde eat pickles? She can't get her face into the jar!! 
  ..2:/msg $chan What is a Blonde's mating call? Gee I'm pissed!! 
  ..3:/msg $chan What does a blonde and a computer have in common? You don't know their true value until they go down!! 
  ..4:/msg $chan What is a brunettes mating call? Is the blonde gone yet!! 
  ..5:/msg $chan Why don't blondes like vibrators? Because they chip their teeth!! 
  ..6:/msg $chan How can you tell when a blonde has been using a computer? There is liquid paper on the screen!! 
  ..7:/msg $chan Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side!! 
  ..8:/msg $chan How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door!! 
  ..9:/msg $chan Why does a blonde have T.G.I.F. on her shoes? So she know that: Toes Go In First!! 
  ..10:/msg $chan Why did the blonde dye her hair red? Instant Intelligence!! 
  ..11:/msg $chan Why do blondes wear panties? To keep their ankles warm!! 
  ..12:/msg $chan What does a blonde say after sex? So what are your guy's names anyway!! 
  ..13:/msg $chan How do you make a blondes eyes light up? Shine a torch in their ears!! 
  ..14:/msg $chan What is the first thing a blondes does when she gets up in the morning? Goes home!! 
  ..15:/msg $chan What's the difference between a blonde and aeroplane? Not everyone's been in a aeroplane! 
  ..16:/msg $chan How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it! 
  ..17:/msg $chan What do you call a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter! 
  ..18:/msg $chan What does a blonde have in common with a beer bottle? Both are empty from the neck up! 
  ..19:/msg $chan What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Gee, I hope its mine! 
  ..20:/msg $chan Why don't blondes like to breast feed? It hurts to boil the nipples! 
  ..21:/msg $chan Why should you go shopping with a blonde? You can park in the handicap zone! 
  ..22:/msg $chan What does a blonde answer to "Are you sexually active? No, I just lie there! 
  ..23:/msg $chan How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror in the bottom of the pool! 
  ..24:/msg $chan How do you kill a blonde? Put spikes in her shoulder pads! 
  ..25:/msg $chan What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?  Pull the pin out and throw it back at her! 
  ..26:/msg $chan How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant! 
  ..27:/msg $chan What is a blond with hair black colored? Artificial intelligence!
  .Addict
  ..1:/msg $chan your a addict if you would rather be at your IRC birthday party than out with real people!
  ..2:/msg $chan your a addict if someone at work tells you a joke, and you say "ROTFLOL!"
  ..3:/msg $chan your a addict if you have ever had a dream about the people in your channels.
  ..4:/msg $chan your a addict if you leave the computer on just to see the mIRC logo!
  ..5:/msg $chan your a addict if you watch T.V. with closed captioning turned on.
  ..6:/msg $chan your a addict if your friend Susan tells you something sad on the phone and you say "Awwww, /me hugs Susan.
  ..7:/msg $chan your a addict if "you've called out someone else's nick while making love to your better half.
  ..8:/msg $chan your a addict if you keep begging your friends to get an internet account so "we can hang out.
  ..9:/msg $chan your a addict if "three words: carpal tunnel syndrome.
  ..10:/msg $chan your a addict if you want to meet a girl and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
  ..11:/msg $chan your a addict if you once devoted a weekend to "working on your popups."
  ..12:/msg $chan your a addict if you sometimes go to #egypt "just to get away from it all."
  ..13:/msg $chan your a addict if when you join #mIRC everyone types "Norm!"
  ..14:/msg $chan your a addict if one time you used a feminine nick "just to mess with the horny net geeks."
  ..15:/msg $chan your a addict if you wait for your roommates to say "re."
  ..16:/msg $chan your a addict if the words "takeover," "nick collide," and "flood" make your heart beat faster and your hands a little shakey.
  ..17:/msg $chan your a addict if sometimes when you type commands from a unix prompt you mistakenly begin them with a "/"
  ..18:/msg $chan your a addict if you've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face.
  ..19:/msg $chan your a addict if you try to change your ping reply and quit message daily.
  ..20:/msg $chan your a addict if you have over 20 megs of .wav files in your mIRC directory.
  ..21:/msg $chan your a addict if you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.
  ..22:/msg $chan your a addict if your child ignores your request and you wonder if she is lagged.
  ..23:/msg $chan your a addict if you send internet Christmas cards. 
  ..24:/msg $chan your a addict if you've been so anxious to get on IRC you forgot to turn your speakers on and can't figure out why you can't hear the wavs being played!
  ..25:/msg $chan your a addict if you have ever wondered if there is a #mIRC-anon.
  ..26:/msg $chan your a addict if you have a mIRC web page (or links to any mIRC pages on your page)
  ..27:/msg $chan your a addict if you think that this is not fantasy but real life and you plan your whole life around IRC chat!
  ..28:/msg $chan your a addict if you've ever logged on to dalnet.
  ..29:/msg $chan your a addict if you join #hispanola "just to work on my Spanish."
  ..30:/msg $chan your a addict if when someone on the channel asks if anyone knows some good servers, everyone else types your nick.
  ..31:/msg $chan your a addict if you join busy channels just to talk to yourself because the scrolling makes you feel better about it somehow.
  ..32:/msg $chan your a addict if you've ever typed "drinking on irc is better than drinking alone.
  ..33:/msg $chan your a addict if "your pregnant wife goes into labor and you stop to type a "special" away message.
  ..34:/msg $chan your a addict if YOU go into labor and you stop to type a "special" away message.
  ..35:/msg $chan your a addict if you have a vanity car tag with your nick on it.
  ..36:/msg $chan your a addict if you've been lagged so bad that you've switched servers so much you can see your nicks on the channel list 3 times.
  ..37:/msg $chan your a addict if you're so excited to get on IRC you forget to turn your speakers on and then wonder why you can't hear the wavs being played.
  .Annoy
  ..1:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Get to know a friends bookie and place bets for them. Insist on keeping half of any money they win.
  ..2:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Accuse people of "glue sniffing addictions" in public.
  ..3:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as "Coach."
  ..4:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Drum on every available surface.
  ..5:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  ..6:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Staple papers together in the middle of the page.
  ..7:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
  ..8:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
  ..9:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
  ..10:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
  ..11:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Insist on giving weather forecasts in public. Claim to be AMS certified.
  ..12:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Surprise old friend's by visiting them at 3AM "to discuss old times".
  ..13:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Insist on buying airplane tickets for friends to "save them money." Make sure the plane departs at 5AM and the tickets are non-refundable. Point out that you didn't really save them any money.
  ..14:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
  ..15:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
  ..16:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Set alarms for random times.
  ..17:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
  ..18:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
  ..19:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  ..20:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
  ..21:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
  ..22:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
  ..23:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Honk and wave to strangers.
  ..24:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Safety Orange.
  ..25:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
  ..26:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
  ..27:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Wear your pants backwards.
  ..28:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
  ..29:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Begin all your sentences with "Oh la la!"
  ..30:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Rouse your roommate/spouse from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
  ..31:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
  ..32:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  ..33:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - dont use any punctuation
  ..34:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  ..35:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  ..36:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  ..37:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
  ..38:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Write "X - Buried Treasure" in random spots on roadmaps.
  ..39:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Explain to everyone you meet of your Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
  ..40:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
  ..41:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Light road flares on a birthday cake.
  ..42:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  ..Continued
  ...43:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
  ...44:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
  ...45:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  ...46:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  ...47:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells..." until physically restrained.
  ...48:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
  ...49:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  ...50:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
  ...51:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Name Your Cat King Edward the 18th
  ...52:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  ...53:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
  ...54:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
  ...55:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Why walk when you can drive that half a block?
  ...56:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Name your dog "Dog".
  ...57:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
  ...58:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Ask people what gender they are.
  ...59:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
  ...60:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
  ...61:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
  ...62:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
  ...63:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
  ...64:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
  ...65:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
  ...66:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as the Mr Rogers theme song.
  ...67:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  ...68:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
  ...69:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  ...70:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
  ...71:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
  ...72:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  ...73:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
  ...74:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  ...75:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Wear a lot of cologne.
  ...76:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Ask people if you may "interface" with them.
  ...77:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
  ...78:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Sing along at the opera.
  ...79:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Mow your lawn with scissors.
  ...80:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy".
  ...81:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
  ...82:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  ...83:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
  ...84:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
  ...85:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see the "magic picture".
  ...Continued
  ....86:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times
  ....87:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
  ....88:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
  ....89:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Never make eye contact.
  ....90:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Never break eye contact.
  ....91:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  ....92:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
  ....93:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
  ....94:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
  ....95:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Make appointments for the 31st of September.
  ....96:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
  ....97:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - When people ask you to do things, mutter under your breath, "This won't be neccessary where you are going."
  ....98:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Wait until you get to work to shave.
  ....99:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Tell small children that they don't look very promising...101 Ways to annoy people - Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  ....100:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Staple papers together in the middle of the page.
  ....101:/msg $chan 101 Ways to annoy people - Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
  .Releave Stress
  ..1:/msg $chan Ways to Relieve Stress #1. Use your Master Card to pay your Visa Card and vice-versa. 
  ..2:/msg $chan Ways to Relieve Stress #2. When someone says have a nice day. Say you have other plans. 
  ..3:/msg $chan Ways to Relieve Stress #3. Make a list of things to do that you have already done, and cross them out. 
  ..4:/msg $chan Ways to Relieve Stress #4. Fill out your tax forms in Roman Numerals. 
  ..5:/msg $chan Ways to Relieve Stress #5. Write a short story with alphabet soup. 
  ..6:/msg $chan Ways to Relieve Stress #6. Pay the electric bill in pennies. 
  ..7:/msg $chan Ways to Relieve Stress #7. Drive to work in reverse. 
  ..8:/msg $chan Ways to Relieve Stress #8. Read a dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. 
  ..9:/msg $chan Ways to Relieve Stress #9. Replace the filling of a Twinky with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper. 
  ..10:/msg $chan Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
  ..11:/msg $chan Ways to Releive Stress #11. Read a book backwards.
  .Bad Day
  ..1:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Your manager calls you into the office on a Friday.
  ..2:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Every job lead at Lockheed leads to people who are always at offsite/getting the business/CI/etc meetings
  ..3:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Every person you ask for job leads says;"I wish *I* had some job leads"
  ..4:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - People you talk to outside of Lockheed say,"You could try company ABC. Oh, but they laid off 25% of their people 3 months ago."
  ..5:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Fellow co-workers on AFR talk *seriously* about jobs at K-Mart.
  ..6:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - People in your department greet each other with "How's the job search?" instead of "How's it going?"
  ..7:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - There is a 60 minutes crew at your office door.
  ..8:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - (Applies mostly to women) You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
  ..9:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Your ex's lawyer calls.
  ..10:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - You wake up face-down on the sidewalk 
  ..11:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - You see the "That's Life" team waiting for you in your office 
  ..12:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Your twin brother forgets your birthday
  ..13:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - You go to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any
  ..14:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - You turn on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of  your city
  ..15:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife or the man you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your husband
  ..16:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
  ..17:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke; then you remember that you don't have a waterbed
  ..18:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
  ..19:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache
  ..20:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat
  ..21:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
  ..22:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - You wake up and your braces are locked together
  ..23:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your panty hose
  ..24:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business
  ..25:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife
  ..26:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Your income tax check bounces
  ..27:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - You put both contact lenses in the same eye
  ..28:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Your pet rock snaps at you
  ..29:/msg $chan you know it is a bad day when - Your wife says "Good morning Bill", and your name is George.
  .Hired Wrong Clown
  ..1:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #18. By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.
  ..2:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #17. Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.
  ..3:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #16. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
  ..4:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #15. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
  ..5:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #14. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.  
  ..6:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #13. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
  ..7:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
  ..8:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #11. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
  ..9:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #10. Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."
  ..10:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #9. Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
  ..11:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #8. Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
  ..12:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.
  ..13:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #5. A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
  ..14:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #4. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
  ..15:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #3. Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."
  ..16:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #2. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."
  ..17:/msg $chan How To Know You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party reason #1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
  .Condoms
  ..1:/msg $chan Nike Condoms: Just do it.
  ..2:/msg $chan Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
  ..3:/msg $chan Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
  ..4:/msg $chan Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
  ..5:/msg $chan Mentos Condoms:The freshmaker.
  ..6:/msg $chan Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
  ..7:/msg $chan Secret Condoms:Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
  ..8:/msg $chan Macintosh Condoms:It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
  ..9:/msg $chan Ford Condoms:The best never rest.
  ..10:/msg $chan Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
  ..11:/msg $chan Dial Condoms:Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
  ..12:/msg $chan New York Lotto Condoms:Cause hey-- you never know.
  ..13:/msg $chan California Lotto Condoms:Who's next?
  ..14:/msg $chan Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
  ..15:/msg $chan KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
  ..16:/msg $chan Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
  ..17:/msg $chan Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
  ..18:/msg $chan Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
  ..19:/msg $chan The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
  ..20:/msg $chan General Electric Condoms:We bring good things to life!
  ..21:/msg $chan AT&T Condom:"Reach out and touch someone."
  ..22:/msg $chan Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
  ..23:/msg $chan Microsoft Condoms:where do you want to go today ?
  ..24:/msg $chan Energizer Condoms:It keeps going and going and going....
  ..25:/msg $chan M&M Condoms: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
  ..26:/msg $chan Chevron Condoms: use them? people do.
  ..27:/msg $chan Taco Bell Condoms: get some; make a run for the border
  ..28:/msg $chan MCI Condoms:for friends and family
  ..29:/msg $chan Double Mint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
  ..30:/msg $chan The Sears latex Condoms: One coat is good for the entire winter
  ..31:/msg $chanDelta Airlines travel pack Condoms: Delta's ready when you are
  ..32:/msg $chan United Airlines travel pack ConBoldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
}